How to Explore Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner, According to Experts
Plus real women open up re: their hottest real-life desires.
Sexual fantasies are extremely common. In fact, a recent study found that about 90 to 97 percent of people report having sexual fantasies and thinking about them to get off. So whatever shape your fantasies may take, trust that almost everybody has them.
For some, living out those fantasies may be the ultimate dream. But it’s also important to understand that fantasies can exist purely as fantasies. Just because you (or your partner) are into the idea of something doesn’t necessarily mean that you’d actually want to do it in real life. “It’s completely normal to have a wide range of sexual fantasies,” explains clinical psychologist and certified sexologist Denise Renye. “Fantasies serve as a way to explore desires, curiosity, and imagination, and they don't always reflect one's actual desires or intentions.” Some of the stuff you’re into may be just for you and your imagination, some might be something you’re interested in exploring through porn or dirty talk, some might be something you’d maybe think about trying once or twice, and some might be stuff you’d never in a thousand years actually want to act out. All of which is, once again, 100 percent valid.
But! If you are curious about bringing your sexual fantasies to life, there are ways to do so. Read on for expert advice on making your sexiest dreams a reality.
How To Explore Your Sexual Fantasies
1. Do your research!
Depending on what kind of fantasy you have, there may be certain safety or legal concerns to be aware of (best to be discreet when masturbating on an airplane, for example) or equipment to buy. (This is especially crucial to keep in mind if your fantasy involves BDSM, in which case there's likely also some skills to master.) And, yeah, if you really want to have public sex, know what level of risk you're taking and have a plan in place should a park ranger show up. "If you're feeling the urge for outdoor or public ecstasy, perhaps a couples' resort or swinger's club will allow you to enjoy the open air together as you wish," advises Angie Rowntree, Founder and Director of the award-winning ethical porn site Sssh.com. "If you want to try bondage, start off by learning the literal ropes from professional BDSM educators before you attempt to stage a scene on your own."
2. Establish boundaries.
Safety and consent are crucial, as with all things sex, but are especially important when you're trying new things or potentially stepping outside of your comfort zone. Engaging in kinky group sex, for example, is more complicated than having vanilla sex with your long-term partner; it just is."Establishing clear boundaries beforehand allows partners to communicate their limits, desires, and any potential triggers or concerns related to the fantasy," says Renye. "Respecting these boundaries is crucial to maintaining trust and promoting a positive experience for everyone involved." It's okay to improv a little once you get going and trust everyone involved, but you definitely want to discuss hard limits (aka, things that are completely off the table). For instance, do you want to get peed on but make sure none gets in your mouth? Make sure that's relayed before anyone gets lazy with aim.
3. Have a safe word.
Even with the most perfect partner(s) and all the boundary discussion in the world, you need to have a safe word. Especially when exploring new things sexually, we never know quite how we’ll feel until it's happening. It’s best to pick something that you'd never say in bed, like "tiramisu" or "Loch Ness monster." See here for a full list of safe word options for ya!
4. Practice aftercare.
Aftercare is kind of a fancy kink word, but it just means the simple act of taking care of one another after the actual sex ends. "Aftercare involves caring for each other's emotional and physical well-being after exploring a fantasy," says Renye. If you just enjoyed some hard spanking, aftercare may include your partner getting ice cubes to ice the area, or it could just mean holding one another and giggling about all the hot sex you just had. "It may include cuddling, reassurance, and open communication about the experience. Aftercare helps partners feel supported, validated, and emotionally connected, fostering intimacy and strengthening the bond between them," Renye says.
How to Talk About Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner
1. Make sure it’s something you actually want to do.
Fantasies don't have to become reality, especially if you're content with them remaining sexy thoughts. If you're considering making a fantasy real, check in with yourself to make sure that you're genuinely excited about it and definitely not just trying to please someone else. If you don't know, it's okay to take your time or, of course, dip a toe in with dirty talk, sexting, or watching porn. Sex therapist Kelly Wise, Ph.D has a pretty awesome analogy for this kind of fantasy: "It's like online shopping where you put a bunch of stuff in your cart, imagining the night you're gonna have wearing all of it, and then emptying your cart and going on about your day." Basically, it's sexual fantasy window-shopping.
2. Decide to talk to your partner.
You're allowed to keep some fantasies to yourself, like, perhaps, your desire to bang your handyman. However, if you want to actually live out this desire, you're going to have to talk to another human. But the good news is that doing so doesn't have to be scary, especially if you do a little homework first. Wise suggests asking yourself some questions. "Think about what you want [your partner] to understand in knowing your fantasies. Do you want to feel closer to them just by sharing? Or are you open to exploring some of these fantasies together?" If the answer is an enthusiastic yes, then move right on to the next step.
3. Bring it up in a low-pressure environment.
It's best to do this in a comfy setting when you're both relaxed and, ideally, when you haven't had too much to drink so that you know everyone's thinking clearly and can fully consent. Sex educator Carly S suggests planning a romantic date night where you can have a private, intimate conversation. She also stresses that you really do need to take the time and space to bring this kind of thing up outside the bedroom first, rather than springing it on someone in the heat of the moment.
4. Have fun with it.
While it’s important to be honest with each other about consent and boundaries—which, yes, is serious stuff—remember that this kinda sexy talk is also supposed to be fun. Carly adds that it's okay to use sex dreams, light dirty talk, and a little bit of praise to gauge your partner’s interest in a non-threatening way. "You can start by sharing your fantasy with your partner by telling them you had a sexy dream about them last night,” she says.
5. Don’t stress if they aren’t into it.
There's definitely a non-zero chance that when you share your fantasy, your partner will grin, get turned on, and want to know how soon you can make it happen. There’s also a non-zero chance that they won’t be into it, and that’s fine! Remember, even if someone else isn’t into exactly the same thing you are, that doesn’t mean there's anything wrong with you or your desires. It doesn't even mean that they're not the right person for you. "Sexual compatibility doesn't necessarily mean sharing identical fantasies, but rather finding common ground and prioritizing mutual pleasure and fulfillment," Renye says.
There may come a time when your partner tells you about something that turns them on that you think is lovely for them but just doesn't do it for you. When this happens, you can either find a nice, cozy compromise or decide to keep the fantasy a fantasy. There's also dirty talk, porn, and, of course, experimenting with other partners and/or exploring an open relationship if acting out this desire feels like something you absolutely want to check off your sexual bucket list .
What Are Some Common Sexual Fantasies to Try?
In case you're in need of a little sexy inspiration, we asked 3o real women to share some of their hottest sexual fantasies. Enjoy!
Consensual Non-Consent
“I’ve been more and more interested in CNC (consensual non-consent). I scroll through subreddits where people post their CNC fantasies, but I’m scared to take the leap and actually try it. Still, the idea that someone lusts after me so desperately that they’d just take me like an animal? Whew...gets me hot.” —Trish*, 25
Sexy Tattoo Situation
“I don’t have tattoos (and in reality, I don’t even think I want any), but for some reason, I’m really turned on by the idea of someone (ideally a hot stranger) tattooing me. In the fantasy, I go into a tattoo parlor and the artist is this really hot, edgy- looking woman who is immediately attracted to me. I end up letting her tattoo whatever she wants on me, giving her complete control over my body and basically branding me. Something about surrendering my body to a stranger in such a visible, permanent way feels super erotic to me.” —Sara*, 32
Taboo Sex
“I used to fantasize about having sex with my ex-boyfriend’s daughter (he was a lot older and had adult children), sometimes even while I was having sex with my then-boyfriend. I don’t usually have or fantasize about having sex with women, and there was nothing even remotely flirtatious between us, but something about the very risqué, kind of taboo dynamic of it being his daughter was really hot to me in a dirty-little-secret kind of way.”—Jenna*, 24
Golden Showers
“For years now, an on-and-off fling of mine has been telling me he wants to experiment with piss play: Specifically, he wants to cum on my face and then piss it off. I was obviously a little skeptical, but we finally tried it, and it was honestly a lot hotter than I anticipated. Like, would definitely do it again. And again.”—Stella*, 25
The Boy Next Door
“I’m not ashamed to admit that there’s this one scene in The Boy Next Door that seriously turns me on! It’s like my go-to porn scene for sure. If you’re not familiar with the movie, it basically entails a hot, charming teenager who moves in next door to a newly separated high school teacher (played by Jennifer Lopez). The teacher’s son is best friends with the ‘boy next door’ and one night she’s seduced by said boy and proceeds to have sex with him. The seduction scene was actually so hot and there’s something about ‘wife who has sex with next-door neighbor’ that’s just so sexy.” —Kristina, 21
Orgies and Group Sex
“I’ve always wanted to be a part of an orgy. I would want to have one with all women and then another one with a combination of women and men. Something about swapping partners with different people, at once, seems so sexy and hot.” —Charlotte*, 34
Gang Bang Party
“It’s been a lifelong fantasy of mine to throw a party where everyone is not only there to see me, but to fuck me. My fantasy would be to host a big orgy where all of my guests agree to participate in the wildest sex party where anything goes (as long as it’s consensual!). Imagine this wild, colorful party full of music with loud bass, dark moody lighting, and plenty of space and time to hook up. The guest list is jam-packed with beautiful people of all genders, sexual identities, body types, and backgrounds, but the one thing they have in common is they’re all there for a chance to fuck me. I take my time selecting the lucky ones as I walk through the crowded private home we have rented for the evening, and I mark the people I wish to engage in sexual activities with, then we all go to a private room. This private room fits 20 people easily and includes a large tub, shower with multiple showerheads, and a large bed with all the BDSM toys you can dream of. The lucky winners and I start by stripping down and taking a communal shower where everyone engages in a massage train (in which each person takes a turn at massaging me, allowing me to feel their hands on my body and sense where their energy is at). After we’re all clean, soft, and relaxed, those who wish to stay and play in the shower or bathtub do, and those who decide to come with me to the bed begin to have our own fun. Our time together would last as long as it needs to and we would take turns engaging in different sexual scenarios with each other. Honestly, writing about it is making me feel like now I have a blueprint for how to make it ~cum~ to life!” —Danellia, 32
Lesbian Sex!
“I fantasize about my partner being sexually involved with other women all the time! I don’t think I’d ever want to recreate this fantasy IRL, but it’s exciting to think about in my head. I’ve always wanted to get a bit more into role-playing, actually. I think it could be fun and really take me out of my head and into another’s. I also think taking on a more demanding, dominant role could be super hot since it’s the complete opposite of what I’m normally like in bed.” —Avery*, 24
All Kinds of Role Play
“I have this fantasy of having a steamy role-play rendezvous with my partner by every major beach/ocean (we’re water lovers). These role-plays won’t be standard; we’ll try various kinks (fire play, wax play, flogging, consensual rape play, and so much more) and take on different personalities. During one trip, I’ll be the maid at the hotel or a foreigner who doesn’t speak the language and needs help getting around town. We just want to pretend to be strangers every time.” —Dawn, 27
Ancient Orgies
“The theme of this fantasy is ancient orgy, so think of the orgy scene from 300 or playroom scenes from period pieces based in ancient Rome. The scene is set in the play quarters of the palace where every carnal desire is fulfilled. I’m talking rich foods, expensive wines, live entertainment, and, of course, sexual activity. In this fantasy, I’m handcuffed or even chained. It feels like sexual labor, but in reality, I’m the one being pleased in every imaginable way. It’s like I’m a toy that others enjoy seeing orgasm.” —Naomi*, 28
Hooking Up With a Professor
“I had a professor who I definitely had some sexual tension with in college, and ever since, the idea of having sex with him in his office has been a fantasy of mine. We would specifically have sex on the desk, in secret, while other people are around so we have to be very hush-hush. I love the power dynamic of a student-professor relationship too!” —Bella*, 23
MFM Threesome
“I’ve always had this desire to have a MFM threesome. I imagine lots of BDSM, tying up, blindfolds, exploring each other’s bodies, and me (being the female) receiving most of the attention from two extremely hot guys of my liking. Bonus points if I get consent to film it all!” —Sarah, 23
Vibrating Panties
“My hottest sexual fantasy would be for my partner to take absolute and total control of me in a public space. I would want to be wearing vibrating panties, and they’d have total control of what happens. Then when we get a chance to go somewhere more private (bathroom, closet, etc.), I’d have them go down on me to clean up said ‘mess.’ After that, I would want them to have sex with me until they’re pleased as well. I think for me it’s about control and power. I’m making decisions all day long, so my fantasy involves my partner making all the decisions in our sex life (with consent, of course!).” —Zoey*, 26
Sex on the Roof
“As someone who is curious and open to spicing up their sex life, one of my most reoccurring fantasies is having sex on a roof (whether it be an apartment complex’s common area rooftop or a plain ol’ roof of someone’s house). I’m intrigued by the idea of having sex in a place where you might get caught but a place that’s not as common as a public bathroom. There’s just something about the thought of having sex at a higher altitude, with a nice view, and having to be sneaky and quiet (I’m typically pretty vocal during sex) that gets me going. You know that Ariana Grande lyric ‘Let’s put them topics to bed and go / Fuck on the roof, just to say that we did it’ from her song ‘Better Off’? Yeah, that’s me. I feel like having sex on a roof is something that’s pretty outrageous yet still attainable enough for everyone to do, and I want to be able to say I’ve at least done it once.” —Mikayla, 24
Dressing Room Sex
“I fantasize about visiting an actress in her dressing room after a show, getting on my knees, and just worshipping her. I wonder how she’ll feel going home to her husband afterward. ‘The show was fine, honey!’” —Ellie*, 32
Sex With an Ex
“I find myself daydreaming about having sex with my ex. I daydream about us finding our way back to each other from wherever and making our way to my apartment (where we both lived) and having sex in all the places we used to have sex—the kitchen, the shower, the bathroom, the couch, the rug, the dinner table, just everywhere. I daydream about having endless orgasms until my mouth dries up.” —Karla, 35
Bathroom Bang
“I’ve always wanted to have sex in a public bathroom but I’m afraid of getting arrested. I’ve also always been a fan of being choked during sex (it’s a huge turn-on for me!). Taking it a step further, I want to be tied up and spanked while being choked.” —Ava*, 24
Laundry Room Sex
“I don’t know why but it’s always the laundry room! I imagine myself getting my laundry done, waiting on a chair while the dryer is going, when suddenly this super-hot person walks in. I start staring at them while they put their clothes in the washer. A piece of underwear falls on the floor and it’s a very sexy pair. I giggle, they look at me and blush a bit, but the more we look at each other, the less shy they become until they tell me something along the lines of, ‘You should see how they look on me,’ and I’ll say, ‘I’d love to.’ We’ll end up chatting a bit more and then I will sit on top of a washing machine, they’ll spread my legs open and go to town on me while that machine keeps moving, and I’m in absolute heaven.” —Paola, 33
House of Horny Mirrors
“My hottest sexual fantasy would be to hook up with someone in a house of mirrors (you know, the ones you see at carnivals). Imagine how trippy and erotic it’d be to see yourself having sex from literally all angles.” —Natalie*, 23
Sex Playlist
“Listen, we all love a sexy-time playlist. And for me, good music is the difference between an amazing sex session and a holy-shit-this-is-going-to-make-me-orgasm sex session. For this reason, I’ve always wanted to wear headphones and listen to my favorite beats while a dude goes down on me. I tend to get distracted easily, so I think by closing my eyes and listening to the music on full blast, the sensations would feel absolutely amazing. I just haven’t had the confidence to bring this up to any of my partners because it feels a bit like a selfish sexual act, but maybe one day!” —Michelle, 26
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